Dec 14, 2010 12:00AM

An Oprah Acrostic

Welcome to Australia, Oprah! We wrote you a poem!

Oprah's in town! She's flown in an audience, she's brought her BFF Gayle and she's filming today! Of course, there are plenty of haters. OK, yes - we have spent millions of taxpayer's dollars to tempt the big O. Yes, there are plenty of cringe-worthy Australian icons involved, like koalas and Akubras and Nicole Kidman. But, as every kitchen-table discussion has ended in recent weeks, IT'S OPRAH FOR FRICKSSAKE. To celebrate - and to convince you of how great she is - I have written Oprah an acrostic poem.

O is for O magazine. I cannot think of anyone else who could get away with having a magazine that runs with the same person on the cover every issue. Except maybe Kanye. Goodness I would subscribe to that magazine so fast?

P is for Pacify (poetry is hard!). Over the last year, Oprah has buried the hatchet not only with Jonathan Franzen (over that book club incident) but also Sarah Palin and Whoopi ("I thought YOU were mad at ME!"). Yay for forgiveness and friendship and favourite things (see, it would be easier for me if her name was Ofrah).

R is for Rich. According to Forbes Magazine, Oprah is worth more than $2.7 billion. With that money, she could fly on the Virgin Galactic space tour 13,500 times. In fact, she's so rich my spell-check knows how to spell 'Oprah', which is a made-up name.

A is for An awesome lady who says the darndest things. I was going to make up an Oprah quote but then realised it would be impossible to invent something as golden as what she really says. For example:
 

"I was in London a few months ago, at the Lanvin store, and I bought a palette of about 170 coloured pencils. I don't know how to sketch, but I was excited by the idea of having all of these different colours readily available to create a picture. That's what this network [The Oprah Winfrey Network, OWN] feels like - a paintbox of colours - anything we want to do, we can create. There are infinite possibilities. That's exhilarating. And what real freedom feels like!"

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed. Sojourner Truth was a bridge. Harriet Tubman was a bridge. Ida B. Wells was a bridge. Madame C. J. Walker was a bridge. Fannie Lou Hamer was a bridge."

"My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with."

"If I told you the most powerful woman I ever met, you wouldn't recognise her name. That's because her power comes from her courage, and faith and determination and confidence to make things happen, and the ability to bow before the worst of times with grace."

OPRAH'S NON-LESBIAN FRIEND, GAYLE

H is for Heterosexual. Super heterosexual. In her recent interview with The View's token octogenarian, Barbara Walters, Oprah said, "I'm not lesbian. I'm not even kind of lesbian." (Way to kick Lindsay while she's down, Oprah.) She actually has a man. Even Barbara was a bit surprised. His name is Stedman Graham and he is a hunk.

OPRAH'S LIFE PARTNER, STEDMAN GRAHAM

Words: Madeleine Atkins

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