Dec 14, 2010 12:00AM

An Oprah Acrostic

Welcome to Australia, Oprah! We wrote you a poem!

Oprah's in town! She's flown in an audience, she's brought her BFF Gayle and she's filming today! Of course, there are plenty of haters. OK, yes - we have spent millions of taxpayer's dollars to tempt the big O. Yes, there are plenty of cringe-worthy Australian icons involved, like koalas and Akubras and Nicole Kidman. But, as every kitchen-table discussion has ended in recent weeks, IT'S OPRAH FOR FRICKSSAKE. To celebrate - and to convince you of how great she is - I have written Oprah an acrostic poem.

O is for O magazine. I cannot think of anyone else who could get away with having a magazine that runs with the same person on the cover every issue. Except maybe Kanye. Goodness I would subscribe to that magazine so fast?

P is for Pacify (poetry is hard!). Over the last year, Oprah has buried the hatchet not only with Jonathan Franzen (over that book club incident) but also Sarah Palin and Whoopi ("I thought YOU were mad at ME!"). Yay for forgiveness and friendship and favourite things (see, it would be easier for me if her name was Ofrah).

R is for Rich. According to Forbes Magazine, Oprah is worth more than $2.7 billion. With that money, she could fly on the Virgin Galactic space tour 13,500 times. In fact, she's so rich my spell-check knows how to spell 'Oprah', which is a made-up name.

A is for An awesome lady who says the darndest things. I was going to make up an Oprah quote but then realised it would be impossible to invent something as golden as what she really says. For example:
 

"I was in London a few months ago, at the Lanvin store, and I bought a palette of about 170 coloured pencils. I don't know how to sketch, but I was excited by the idea of having all of these different colours readily available to create a picture. That's what this network [The Oprah Winfrey Network, OWN] feels like - a paintbox of colours - anything we want to do, we can create. There are infinite possibilities. That's exhilarating. And what real freedom feels like!"

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed. Sojourner Truth was a bridge. Harriet Tubman was a bridge. Ida B. Wells was a bridge. Madame C. J. Walker was a bridge. Fannie Lou Hamer was a bridge."

"My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with."

"If I told you the most powerful woman I ever met, you wouldn't recognise her name. That's because her power comes from her courage, and faith and determination and confidence to make things happen, and the ability to bow before the worst of times with grace."

OPRAH'S NON-LESBIAN FRIEND, GAYLE

H is for Heterosexual. Super heterosexual. In her recent interview with The View's token octogenarian, Barbara Walters, Oprah said, "I'm not lesbian. I'm not even kind of lesbian." (Way to kick Lindsay while she's down, Oprah.) She actually has a man. Even Barbara was a bit surprised. His name is Stedman Graham and he is a hunk.

OPRAH'S LIFE PARTNER, STEDMAN GRAHAM

Words: Madeleine Atkins

Latest


MAC x Gareth Pugh: First Images

High-fashion armour for the masses.


Spring Music

Pastel is the new neon.


Josh Goot Interview And AW12 Lookbook

Clean, simple, modern, resolved.


H&M x Versace TVC

Lindsey Wixson, Daphne Groenveld and a giant hamster wheel.


Adidas Originals Dinner Social Snaps

Adidas Originals launch their new collection in style.


Prada Adds Jewellery to its Bag of Tricks

Resin roses, patent crocodile, coloured gems and plenty of sparkle.


James Franco's Bare Behind (NSFW)

His face is everywhere. Ever wondered what his derriere looks like?


Quizzle Schizzle at GoodGod

Get your quiz on tonight!


Watch Bumblebeez's New Video

Bumblebeez are back with 'Summer Bum'.


Alice Euphemia Garage Sale

Starting this Thursday.


Just For You: Future Classic Mix

They've made us an exclusive mix to celebrate their new radio show.


Celebrity Make-Biggers

No celebrity will be left unscathed.


Club Silencio Photos

David Lynch releases a series of photos from inside his Parisian nightclub.


Gaga Remixed

Will she make the cover artists sport prostheses, too?


Le Coq Sportif x Future Classic

Fashion and music unite!


Gemma Ward to Star in The Great Gatsby

The wide-eyed supermodel takes on the role of Catherine.


The Galeries Present Lane Four

The newest laneway artwork for Sydney's CBD.


Watch: 'We Found Love' by Rihanna Ft. Calvin Harris

Rihanna film clip or Skins episode?


Don't Mind the Gap

A serious affront to modern day orthodontics.


You and I by Ryan McGinley

A new book just in time for Christmas.


The Abbey Lee Lookbook for Versace H&M

As well as River Viiperi for men.


Opening Ceremony SS12 Lookbook

Inspired by summer music festivals.


Bleeding Knees Club Photo Tour Diary Pt. 1

Bleeding Knees Club are really fun and they're documenting their overseas tour for us.


GL Wood Exhibition: Raptor'86

Opening next Thursday at Showcase Gallery.


Social Snaps: Stab Magazine Presents Bonds Quick Dry Launch

At the Icebergs Poolside Deck in Bondi.


Video: Spike Jonze for Olympia Le-Tan

Featuring a sexually-suggestive Mina Harker from Dracula and a hot-blooded skeletal Macbeth.


Watch Kate Sylvester's nsfw S&M Runway Show

Inspired by indie movie, Secretary.


Incu Mini Mag Edition Two

Print's not dead!


Mulberry's 40th Birthday Bash

Aging in style, documented by Yimmy Yayo.


Barbie's Latest Incarnation

Is a tattooed Barbie sending a bad message to the kids?


Miss Piggy Gets Instyle

Lindsey Wixson's not the only one who can get custom Jason Wu without paying for it.


Lytro Comes Into Focus

A focus-free camera for US$399? Yes please.


Age Before Beauty

An AgingBooth experiment (Kaiser Karl is, apparently, immortal).


River Phoenix Resurrected

River Phoenix's unfinished last film to be resurrected.


PSA: Little Penguins Need Wooly Jumpers

Cheezburgers Schmeezburgers.


New Biergarten at The Standard

Oktoberfest all year round in downtown LA.


Alexa Chung's (New) TV Show

Also featuring Cynthia Rowley, Derek Blasberg and James LaForce


Steven Meisel's Fabulous Fakes

The photographer shoots a series of fake ads for W magazine.