Dec 14, 2010 12:00AM

An Oprah Acrostic

Welcome to Australia, Oprah! We wrote you a poem!

Oprah's in town! She's flown in an audience, she's brought her BFF Gayle and she's filming today! Of course, there are plenty of haters. OK, yes - we have spent millions of taxpayer's dollars to tempt the big O. Yes, there are plenty of cringe-worthy Australian icons involved, like koalas and Akubras and Nicole Kidman. But, as every kitchen-table discussion has ended in recent weeks, IT'S OPRAH FOR FRICKSSAKE. To celebrate - and to convince you of how great she is - I have written Oprah an acrostic poem.

O is for O magazine. I cannot think of anyone else who could get away with having a magazine that runs with the same person on the cover every issue. Except maybe Kanye. Goodness I would subscribe to that magazine so fast?

P is for Pacify (poetry is hard!). Over the last year, Oprah has buried the hatchet not only with Jonathan Franzen (over that book club incident) but also Sarah Palin and Whoopi ("I thought YOU were mad at ME!"). Yay for forgiveness and friendship and favourite things (see, it would be easier for me if her name was Ofrah).

R is for Rich. According to Forbes Magazine, Oprah is worth more than $2.7 billion. With that money, she could fly on the Virgin Galactic space tour 13,500 times. In fact, she's so rich my spell-check knows how to spell 'Oprah', which is a made-up name.

A is for An awesome lady who says the darndest things. I was going to make up an Oprah quote but then realised it would be impossible to invent something as golden as what she really says. For example:
 

"I was in London a few months ago, at the Lanvin store, and I bought a palette of about 170 coloured pencils. I don't know how to sketch, but I was excited by the idea of having all of these different colours readily available to create a picture. That's what this network [The Oprah Winfrey Network, OWN] feels like - a paintbox of colours - anything we want to do, we can create. There are infinite possibilities. That's exhilarating. And what real freedom feels like!"

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed. Sojourner Truth was a bridge. Harriet Tubman was a bridge. Ida B. Wells was a bridge. Madame C. J. Walker was a bridge. Fannie Lou Hamer was a bridge."

"My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with."

"If I told you the most powerful woman I ever met, you wouldn't recognise her name. That's because her power comes from her courage, and faith and determination and confidence to make things happen, and the ability to bow before the worst of times with grace."

OPRAH'S NON-LESBIAN FRIEND, GAYLE

H is for Heterosexual. Super heterosexual. In her recent interview with The View's token octogenarian, Barbara Walters, Oprah said, "I'm not lesbian. I'm not even kind of lesbian." (Way to kick Lindsay while she's down, Oprah.) She actually has a man. Even Barbara was a bit surprised. His name is Stedman Graham and he is a hunk.

OPRAH'S LIFE PARTNER, STEDMAN GRAHAM

Words: Madeleine Atkins

Latest


Watch: Kanye West Talks About Creativity At Cannes Lion

And also Steve Jobs, Instagram and how the internet is "fucking ugly".


Oyster Journal: Nasty Gal x Rene Vaile

From where you'd rather be.


Listen Out Lineup Drops

Flume and Chet Faker confirm they are totes BFFL's.


'Game Of Thrones' Season Finale Sets Piracy Records

A Lannister always pays their debts; Internet users don't.


Live Stream: Burberry Prorsum SS15

From London Men's Fashion Week to your lappie.


Gallery: Fashion East @ London Mens Fashion Week

Marques Almeida, Edward Crutchley, Alan Crocetti, Shaun Samson & Martine Rose.


Kendall And Kylie Jenner Rep Australian Designers On Stage At MMCAs

Plus, Lorde's lamp-lit performance spawns Twitter parody.


London Collections: Men — Day #2

Alexander McQueen, James Long and Moschino reviews!


Emoji Just Got Updated To Include 250 More Emojis

*Tiny fist pump hand, wink with tongue out, panda.*


Oyster Fashion: TASTY

Zing! Snap! Pow! Shot by Rene Vaile.


Exclusive: PER—TIM 'United' Collection

A street-cast lookbook with its own NO ZHU soundtrack.


Terry Richardson Is "Okay With Myself About Everything"

In his much-discussed New York Magazine cover story.


London Collections: Men — Day #1

Oyster goes to Astrid Andersen, Topman, Richard Nicoll and more.


Watch: Kanye West @ Bonnaroo

Calls out Pearl Jam and the press. Plus, Dave Chapelle on first meeting Yeezy.


Meet The Model: Amberley Colby

Shot by Harriet Were.


Exclusive: 2 By Lyn & Tony's SS14 'Vortex' Collection

Brutal, beautiful landscapes made wearable.


The Film That Changed My Life: Frank’s Lenny Abrahamson

Plus WIN double passes to see the film!


Why Fucking Awesome Is Fucking Awesome

Gavriel Maynard is 'on board' with their new website.


Exclusive: Unif.M AW14 Campaign

Hollywood prep meets Witches of Eastwick.


Watch: Ryan McGinley's Parsons Commencement Speech

Gives great advice to young photographers.


See Opening Ceremony's Resort 15 Collection

Inspired by an imaginary tropical island.


Design Your Own Custom Prada Heels

Customised rainbow shoes for all!


The Film That Changed My Life: Frédéric Tcheng

Director of Dior and I geeks out over French film, 'Last Year at Marienbad'.


Collection Survey: Vanishing Elephant SS14

Larry David meets dolphins.