Moore's Code: The Smiths
A few months ago I received a call from my good friend Will Smith.
A few months ago I received a call from my good friend Will Smith. This is how it went:
Will: What the fuck is up, lesbian?
Alex: Oh, hey Will.
Will: Seriously man, what's buzzing on the other side of the drink?
Alex: Do you mean in Europe?
Will: Yeah! [laughter]
Will: Make a movie about my life and my kids and shit.
Alex: Will do. [laughter]
Thus it was up to me to make a movie about the life and times of Will Smith. This included his time on the mean streets of extreme wealth, his role as the wisecracking Prince of Bel-Air, his birthing of two children and the dangerous, yet exhilarating, Wild Wild West.
WILL SMITH - 'NICE CLEAN RAP' (FROM FAMILY GUY)
I started by thinking about who would be best to play the characters involved in the film - like Will, his wife Jada, his kids Jaden and Willow, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the popular country music sisters the Dixie Chicks. As with all of my past films, I decided to cast the lead role first. Experience has shown me that having a strong, powerful lead actor will ensure success for any film. I have based this on Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter films and Seann William Scott in the Dukes of Hazzard remake. Following my gut instinct I called the best, most awesome, most well adjusted, most talented actor I could think of. I called Mel Gibson. Although he was a little hesitant at first (black people make him physically unwell) he quickly perked up when he heard that Lady Helen Mirren was penciled in to play Willow Smith. I had my lead actor.
Now that Mel had signed on for the film, we were able to put our collective heads together and really start to nut out the remaining cast members. Mel was pretty angry that I had lied about Helen Mirren being in the film, but after he had beaten me repeatedly and called me a number of names and bound me to a crucifix and touched me inappropriately and cried a little and hit me again and spat on me, then dressed up like a female version of Danny Glover and looked at himself in the mirror and acted out the final hour of Lethal Weapon 2, he calmed down a bit. Mel's list of potential actors to star in the Will Smith biopic (Mel had decided a good working title for the film was Mel) was pretty impressive. He wanted a friend of his called Jane, who he went to church with, to play Jada; Jaden would be played by his 'friend' Danny Glover; Willow would be played by a rotating cast of his own children; DJ Jazzy Jeff would be played by Mel dressed as DJ Jazzy Jeff; and the Dixie Chicks would be played by his 'girlfriend' Oksana in front of a green screen, in a similar vain to the Oompa-Loompas in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was excited. Also bruised, and irrevocably mentally damaged. But mainly excited.
Will had made $160 million from the hit film Hancock, because he decided to take 20% of gross profits on top of his $20 million flat fee. Therefore our budget was pretty limitless. This enabled me to come up with some wonderful, realistic sites to shoot Mel. Much to my surprise, Mel didn't really like any of the sites, so he decided that we should just film it all around his Walk of Fame star in Hollywood. He explained that this would really sum up how Will feels, because Will has always been in the shadow of Mel, and by being near Mel's star it would be good way to sum up how hard it is to be in Mel's shadow, because Mel is God. I liked this reasoning. I also didn't want another beating.
The start of shooting was delayed due to Mel taking a trip to Russia to do some 'business' with a 'friend' of his that he met on the 'Internet'. However, last night we finally started to shoot the scenes with Oksana playing the Dixie Chicks. Unfortunately, Mel came home drunk and decided he wanted to play some billiards (he has a green screen in his billiard room) so we had to leave. Then when we came back to continue, he had passed out watching himself in the rollercoaster that is What Women Want. Thus production is on hold. Until he wakes up.
Words: Alexander Moore