May 22, 2012 11:04AM

Oyster #99: Advice From Slutever's Karley Sciortino

"Technically speaking, your vagina might sew itself shut."
Photography: Sandy Kim

Here at Oyster, people are always asking our advice — "What shoes with this dress? How do I get these grass stains out of my tennis shorts? Biggie, or Tupac?" Well, this issue being our Women's Issue, we've decided it's time to answer some of those questions. But who to entrust with such an important task? Who better than Karley Sciortino of Slutever, the blog that teaches you how to be a Thoroughly Modern Woman.

I've been on a few dates with my crush, but I find him really intimidating as I think he's been with lots of girls. How can I be more 'sexy'?
Karley Sciortino: Boys have simple brains (especially when it comes to sex), which means they are pretty easy to manipulate. Basically, all you have to do to make a guy want you is to act like you don't care about fucking him. Show up to your date looking like a babe, but then don't come on strong; make him work for it. Aloof = sexy. See, simple! Also, I'll let you in on a little secret: sex isn't complicated. You shouldn't be intimidated by a guy with more experience than you, because for girls there's no way we can really 'mess up'. Guys run the risk of not being able to get hard, or losing their boner, or cumming too quickly, so they have reasons to be nervous. But us girls have it easy. The worst thing you can do is to freeze up and get all weird and panicky, so just chilllll. And if all else fails, once you're getting sexy, just starting giving him head (like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees). Then, after a minute or so look up at him and say, "Do I look good with your dick in my mouth?" They always say yes.

How many times can you drunk text a guy without him replying, before you delete his number from your phone?
I'd say once; max two if you're really desperate to fuck him, but beware that you might come across as a bit tragic. But, I mean, we've all been there… It's kind of embarrassing to live your life based on advice you picked up from crap rom-coms, but in that movie He's Just Not That Into You, the Mac Computer Guy says something really profound. He says, "If a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you." And it's true — if your crush wants to hang, he'll get in touch. After you've sent him one drunk text, you've pretty much laid it out on the table: you want to fuck him. He gets it. There's no other reason you were texting him at 1 am. So now the ball is in his court, and if he never gets in touch again, it means he doesn't want to fuck you. Sad face! Whatever. #HeSucks

My boyfriend has moved to Berlin for five months, but we've only been together for three weeks. What do I do if he asks me to take my top off on webcam?
Uh… take if off, duh. He's your boyfriend, which means he's allowed to see your boobs. Also, FYI: I don't know what you guys have planned monogamy-wise while he's gone, but it seems kind of crazy to devote yourself to someone you've only know for three weeks for five whole months. No sex for nearly half a year?! Technically speaking, your vagina might sew itself shut.

I have blonde hair, and when I wear red lipstick I look either crazy or like an actual whore. Why is this? What do I do? I own so many red lipsticks!
Wait, is looking like an actual whore bad? Says who? According to my favourite sex blogger SugarTits, there are three types of girls: girls who are cute, girls who are beautiful, and girls who have sex face. So maybe you just have sex face, but that's certainly not something you should be complaining about. Also, red lipstick with blonde hair is such a classic look. Have you ever heard of Marilyn Monroe? Jayne Mansfield? Gwen Stefani? Did they look like whores? Well… kind of, but that was the point. Also, here's a tip: although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of make-up, generally speaking you have to choose between a heavy eye or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just end up looking like a tranny and/or Christina Aguilera.

Advice: Karley Sciortino

Latest


Watch: Babes 'ATMO'

Always turning me on.


Watch The Weeknd's 'The King Of The Fall'

The Weeknd for your weekend.


Listen: New Sarah Silverman Track 'Human Puppies'

Celebratory weed vapes for all.


Watch Zola Jesus' 'Dangerous Days' Video

Picturesque woods and crumbling Nikas.


Miranda July Invents A Messaging App For Miu Miu

Gets strangers to pass on messages for you.


Beyonce Covers CR Fashion Book In A Doona

Yohji Yamamoto and surfboardts.


Cara Delevingne In Talks To Star In Zoolander 2

She can derelicte her own balls, thank you very much.


Zara Removes Holocaust-Resembling Kid's Tee

One chain's 'Old West' is everyone else's 'World War 11'.


Let Nicki Minaj & Drake Take You Shopping For Snax

Plus an epic mix of Nicki verses and an extended fart joke.


Sanrio Says Hello Kitty Is NOT A Cat

This can't be happening.


Watch Grimes' Full 'Go' Feat. Blood Diamonds Video

Dante's Inferno-inspired rave surrealism.


Carlotta Kohl's Santa Fe

Roadtrip snaps.


Oyster Playlist: Heartbeat @ Goodgod

A 'Freaks in the Club' themed guide to your new favourite night.


Model Roosmarijn De Kok Arrested For Stealing Chocolate Bars

Goes to court on Whole Foods shoplifting charges.


Nike Tech Pack Studio In Melbourne

Coming to Collins Street.


Imaginary Online Dating Profile: One Day

Raph talks cheese, Uber and Annabel Crabb.


Big Boi Really Loves Kate Bush <3

Explains the joy and genius of 'Running Up That Hill' in new documentary.


See Unpublished Images By Corinne Day

Never-before-seen photos released from stylist Tara St Hill.


Street Style: Afropunk Festival 2014

Oyster contributor Driely S documents the looks at Fort Greene, Brooklyn.


Facebook Launches Anti-Click Bait Efforts

You'll NEVER believe what happens next!


Read An Excerpt From Lena Dunham's Memoir

She's a 'difficult girl'.


WIN — What We Do In The Shadows

See an advance screening in Sydney or Melbourne on us.


Get Snapped By Oyster x Camper

In Melbourne this Friday and Saturday!


3nder Is Tinder For Threesomes

Ménage a internet.


Top 10 Moments of The VMAs In GIFs

Mostly Beyonce and Nicki.


Chloe Sevigny Mourns The State of NYC

Says jocks have ruined the East Village.