Jan 28, 2011 12:00AM

Oyster Recommends: NSFW Jane Birkin

Our Creative Director gets his conspiracy theory on.

I short-sightedly asked our Creative Director, Shane Sakkeus, to write a post for the website. After refusing to talk to anyone in the office all day because he was "busy working", I finally received this email: Ok, I hope you are up to writing a few thousand words... I postulate that we should do a post on Jane Birkin with plenty of nude pictures and mark it KNSFW (Kinda Not Safe For Work) (I'm intrigued to see if it makes people click) because it's really hot today and she's really hot and Alice [Oyster editor] is not here. She is worthy because JPEGs (or MPEGs) of her always have perfectly arranged and coloured pixels constituting her likeness, and I am sure her physical composition is equally flawless. To quote Ricky Gervais in The Office: vis-à-vis:

Other nice things we can write about her include:

1) Serge Gainsbourg (uh-der):

2) Lou Doillon:

(Via Dossier)

(Via Purple Diary)

Side note: does Lou know that Olivier Zahm may in fact be the reanimated corpse of Serge? Proof:

3) Speaking of Olivier Zahm, we also have Charlotte Gainsbourg, who recorded 'Lemon Incest' with her father:

Although she seems to be somewhat conservative, Gainsbourg gets a lot of points for the painfully controversial duet:

SERGE GAINSBOURG — 'LEMON INCEST'

4) The Birkin bag Jane used hers for a while and then did not. Victoria Beckham apparently owns over $2million dollars worth. Perennial dweeb Pharrell has one to rest his infantile cartoon shoes on so he doesn't have to touch icky public transport floor:

Oh, and Jay-Z even refers to the bag here:

JAY-Z FEAT. BEYONCÉ — 'BONNIE AND CLYDE' … which is doubly awesome because Serge wrote a song of the same name for Brigitte Bardot:

SERGE GAINSBOURG — 'BONNIE AND CLYDE (EN DUO AVEC BRIGITTE BARDOT)' … which is triply awesome, because on the same night that Serge wrote 'Bonnie and Clyde' he also wrote the infamous 'Je t'aime... moi non plus' – again for BB. And they recorded it together. But word got out that was Serge was fingerbanging* BB during the recording so it was scrapped (BB was married to another man):

… which comes full circle and turns out super-peachy for our friend Jane cuz he then re-recorded it with her…

SERGE GAINSBOURG ET JANE BIRKIN — 'JE T'AIME... MOI NON PLUS'

Conspiracy theories: Shane Sakkeus.
Hand-wringing: Ariane Halls.
* Note that the Wikipedia entry actually refers to 'heavy petting'.