Jul 20, 2011 12:00AM

Top 5: Ways That Rupert Murdoch Could Use His Power for Good Instead of Evil

Some top tips for the Aussie tycoon.
Top 5: Ways That Rupert Murdoch Could Use His Power for Good Instead of Evil

1) Reality TV. If the Kardashian tradition of reality programming has taught us anything, it's that even the most inane of people can be rendered fascinating through an artful combination of sustained oversharing and clever editing. In the wake of the phone hacking scandal, it has emerged that the Murdochs are a family in crisis. What better way to win the hearts of a disenchanted public than a televisual insight into their tumultuous lives? Working title? Murdoch Most Foul.

2) Removing the jewel in the crown of his media empire. If there are two words synonymous with fair, balanced reporting, they are surely Fox and News. As Murdoch's News Corporation begins to crumble slowly from within, it seems the greatest public service he could perform would be to conclusively silence such credible journalists as the delightful Bill O'Reilly.

3) An eye for an eye. Like a bevy of News of the World journalists, I'm no stranger to the abject delights of technological hacking. Fortunately for society, my attempts at immorally unearthing salacious information start and end with hacking into my teenage sister's Facebook account (which, for the record, yielded nothing more interesting than a few FarmVille notifications). The obvious salve to the wounds of a public disillusioned by the actions of Murdoch's minions is clearly an attempt to go biblical on the mogul's trembling posterior. How? By covertly gaining access to his voicemail which, if the past few weeks have taught him anything, probably contains nothing more interesting than a few messages confirming his latest optometrist's appointment.

4) A lunch date with Oprah. Because when you've got people comparing you to Lord Voldemort, you clearly need some advice on how to live your best life.

5) Faking his own death. Because a world without Murdoch's unique brand of tabloid drama is a world we should all want to live in.

Words: Lillian McKnight